One does not make a decision to follow God's Word or believe in God by accident, it takes a predetermined quality decision of the heart to do so.   It is the same with love.  One does not  love by accident,  it takes a predetermined quality decision to let go and love someone.  He who misses out on love, misses out on the very best God has to give, Himself.

1 John 3:7-8  Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Emotions are simply tools for gauging current conditions, situations, circumstances, or dispositions.  Emotions simply indicate what is happening and fluctuate up or down depending on the situation.  Emotions are always based on circumstances.  We are not to be led or motivated by emotions...we are to be led and motivated by God's Word.  Emotion is not a good foundation for building a loving relationship.   

Generally couples allow the exciting feelings of passion and emotion to assure them their marriage will work.  The initial feelings of emotion and passion a man and woman first experience when meeting can overpower any sense of judgment and reason.  If they do not take the time to develop a relationship which includes commitment, their marriage will quickly lose its sparkle with the passing of time.  By misinterpreting these strong feelings of intimacy, the couple believes they have the commitment it takes to support a lasting relationship in marriage.  They do not take the time to develop a deep friendship which involves listening, sharing, showing concern and understanding for each others' likes and dislikes, and putting their partner's needs above their own needs, even at a cost to their own personal comfort.   

Friendship takes quality time to develop and grow strong.  When a couple takes the time to become best friends, then their marriage will be healthy, their passion stronger, their commitment steadfast, and their spiritual, mental, and physical relationship more satisfying.  

When a couple begins their relationship in friendship, the relationship stands a greater chance for a successful life-long marriage commitment than a couple who begins their relationship on sexual attraction.  God established sex in marriage and it is very important in the marriage relationship, but sex cannot be the foundation of a lasting marriage.

Proverbs 24:3 & 4  By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

In the Song of Solomon, the woman describes her lover's physical appearance and then ends the verse with the statement:

Song of Songs  5:16 This is my lover, this is my friend

When Richard and I were dating, he would take me everywhere.  I will never forget the day he put his friends straight about who I was and the role I played in his life.  We were at his apartment playing chess, when one of the guys made a snide remark about my presence being an intrusion.  Richard turned around and told them that I was his best friend and I was more welcome than any of them!   I remember how that made me feel.  You could have knocked me over with a feather! Never again was my presence questioned among his friends.  I know after that incident, our friendship began to grow into agape love which is needed to make a marriage successful.

When Richard and I decided to get married, we discussed the option of divorce. Having both been married to adulterous partners, divorce was an experience neither wanted to taste again.  We realized we wanted the same things out of marriage and made the decision no matter what came our way, divorce was not an option.

In the beginning of a serious relationship, the couple only has eyes for each other.   Time is spent getting to know everything about each other and much effort is put into learning how to please each other.  Realities of life are, as much as possible, put on hold during the courtship phase.  Willingness to look beyond little flaws and defects enable both parties to grow in love and affection.  As long as the relationship is growing, thoughts and attitudes remain pretty positive. 

But with the passing of time, glances and touches no longer produce the same exciting emotional and physical responses.  Conflicts and pressures of everyday life overpower feelings of tenderness and emotion.  There does not seem to be any time for passion.  When there is time, the physical strength is gone.  Sexual advances are regarded as chores causing resentment and distance in the relationship.  Here is where commitment (genuine love) steps up to the plate.  Commitment to each other will cause the couple to make the time even if it means less sleep.  

In the Song of Solomon 5:2-8, the wife finds herself in this very state.  She refuses her lover's advances by locking herself behind a closed door.  But she has second thoughts and opens up to her love, only to find that he has left.  Panicking, she races out into the city to find him; only to be found by the night watchmen and beaten.   In Old Testament days, if a woman was out at night, alone, she was looked upon as a thief or a prostitute and treated as such.  But her passion burned so strong for her love she was willing to risk her safety to find him.

As time moves on the couple becomes familiar with one another.  The new has worn off; complacency can raise its ugly head.   Once complacency enters into the relationship, it becomes easy for the couple to focus on their partner's faults and imperfections.  This is the devil's queue to begin his attack, knowing that the decision to love can now be challenged.  If dwelling on the negative becomes habitual, the decision not to love is made easier.  Commitment is attacked at its very roots and weakened.

During this time a critical spirit can enter the relationship.  As one or both partners give place to a critical eye, the desire to change the other becomes paramount in the relationship.  It becomes more important to force change than to please.  Through criticism, the partners try to provoke change.  However, this only causes further resentment in the relationship.  Negative input very rarely promotes positive fruit.  Instead, resentment, anger, malice, and eventually hatred  grow strong, destroying any feelings of passion and intimacy.   This drives the couple farther  and farther apart.  Fights begin, and selfishness prevails, and both parties want their own way. 

If both husband and wife are stubborn, neither giving way, there can be no cure for their relationship.  Destruction will set in and the relationship will end.  There can be no reconciliation since neither partner is guilty of anything.  Working on the relationship isn’t necessary since both are right in their stand. This is unfortunate, especially if there are children involved.

As the couple begins to develop their own separate lives within the marriage, it is likely that one will become more dominant than the other. Two strong-willed people will battle it out to the end, but the stronger of the two will win and become the dominant partner.

Confession and repentance are the only cures for the above problems.  Submission to God’s Word and plan will correct all wrongdoing and build a healthy successful marriage.

Proverbs 22:10 Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended.

Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Generally, a woman does not begin her marriage as the dominant partner.  It takes time to manipulate and intimidate the husband into a position of submission and eventually remission.  A dominant wife wants total control of all around her, including her husband, her children, and their private lives.

The dominant woman begins to mold her man into her idea of perfection.  This always back fires and the result is never edifying.  She accomplishes her reconstruction by nagging him into submission to do things her way.  She becomes quarrelsome , finding fault in everything he tries to do.  She ends up losing all respect for him believing him to be a spineless wimp.   It would behoove the dominant woman to keep in mind that it was her decision to love the man she originally met, and at the time, he was perfect in every way.

Scripture mentions this at least five separate times in Proverbs.

Proverbs 21:9 & 25:24  Better to live on a corner of the roof, than share a mansion with a nagging wife.

Proverbs 21:19 Better to live in a desert, than with quarrelsome and ill tempered wife.

Proverbs 19:13b …and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

Proverbs 27:15 & 16  A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; retraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

Proverbs 12:4 A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

Once the husband gives up his position by stepping down, the dominant wife will proceeds to take control of everything.  As long as things are going her way, everything seems normal.  But once she is crossed, trouble begins, and she must regain control through whatever means become necessary.

Even though the dominant woman believes herself to be happy and satisfied with her achievements, eventually resentment will set in as she sees her husband assume the submissive role.  She begins to feel as if she is the only one who cares and begins to nag him trying to motivate him into taking on responsibilities around the home.  Life becomes a burden, more than she can bare, and her whole attitude causes her to continually ridicule and belittle her husband.  There is not enough time in a day for her to successfully take on all her responsibilities.   The result is a worn, bitter, angry woman who, at the very least, resents her husband and everything he stands for (or fails to stand for).

The husband, however, afraid of causing riffs in the marriage and family, remains complacent in his submissive role.   The husband believes the wife has gotten everything she deserves.  The husband wants her to live in her misery and anguish.  Showing no mercy, he then begins to resent her…divorce will inevitably come to this marriage unless both of them repent and take up their God given role as man and wife.  If not divorce,  than a loveless, joyless lifetime of marriage together.

The dominant woman is in disobedience to the Word of God.  She not only lives her life outside of God’s will, but she also trains her children, through example, to do the same.  The mother’s training causes her daughters to become dominant in their relationships and her sons to become submissive in theirs. 

A home led by a dominant woman is a home full of strife.  Women were not created to dominate, but to be man’s helpmeet.  Men we not created to dominate, but to be a woman's covering and the savior of her body.   Husbands and wives have the godly ability to submit and work with their respective spouses.  As a team, they run the home in harmony and raise their children to love and serve the Lord.

The dominant man begins to show jealousy and disdain for his wife and her every action.   She can do nothing right or to his satisfaction.  He loses all trust in her and feels it necessary to take control of her social life by ending it abruptly through isolation.

Proverbs 21:16 A man who strays from the path of understanding comes to rest in the company of the dead.

Isolation is a  dangerous sign that the dominant man is no longer loving but ruling over the fearful woman.  If not stopped in its early stage, eventually this man can end up abusing his wife and children.  If this relationship is not healed, then it should be ended immediately.  If the husband and wife stay together, they do not have a loving family relationship, but rather a home full of fear, abuse, and hatred.  Unfortunately, the children will all be affected emotionally, and mentally, and likely grow into abusive adults. 

Proverbs 25:28 Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.

Before we may continue learning God’s plan, we must learn something about woman’s role as a wife and mother;  understanding that the role of the wife is ordained and given by God.

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

Society today leads women to believe that being a wife is mundane and that woman need a career in order to be fulfilled.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Women can have careers, but husbands and children have priority over their careers.  You may want to refresh your understand on God's Power Structure.

Proverbs 19:14 Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. 

When a woman decides to surrender herself to a man, she puts herself in a very vulnerable position; spirit, soul, and body. The very act of love making is a total show of submission and trust. But sex is not love.  It is one of the ways love and commitment are shared or demonstrated.

Unfortunately, submission and trust abused by a dominant husband can emotionally hurt and destroy a women.  As a form of self-preservation, women build walls around themselves to avoid being deeply hurt.  Even though this action is meant to protect, it usually causes rejection, bitterness, anger, and loneliness.  All of these emotions will manifest themselves and eventually tear down and destroy relationships.  These walls are harmful and ungodly;  they need to be repented of and torn down as soon as they are recognized.

I was praying one day when the Lord showed me a vision.  I was standing behind my emotional brick wall I had built for protection throughout my life .  There I was, little ole me, standing alone, behind my wall.  I looked around and noticed that it was pretty dark, cold, and lonely behind that wall!  I also noticed that in order to see God, I had to climb the wall!   It became very clear to me this wall was hindering my relationship with God and with anyone else.  I was so protected, no one could get in and I couldn’t get out!

As I stood there looking around in awe, the Lord asked me if I wanted to be set free.   “Yes!”  I replied.  The next vision was quite comical.  Jesus came riding a big earth mover.   He was moving so fast that his sun-bleached hair was blowing in the wind and he was bouncing off the seat.  Laughing and shouting he  drove towards my wall.  Within seconds bricks were flying everywhere and my wall came tumbling down.  As I watched my wall falter and fall, I felt such a surge of freedom!  Suddenly, I was surrounded by warm light and I could feel God’s love pouring into me.   I knew at that moment my heart and soul had been healed of all the emotional wounds and injuries I had suffered up to that day.   Wow!   What a relief.   I had no idea I had been carrying around so much baggage. 

Every woman is affected by the relationship with (or without) her mother.  Girls grow up vowing they will never be like their mothers!  Then, as life matures them into women, they find they are, indeed, very much like mother!  Why is that? Because mother has been the only role model for living life as a wife and mother.

A dominant wife trains her daughters well in the art of, “How to get your way!” The daughters learn, through example, to become manipulators.  There are many techniques to manipulation, including pouting, crying, anger, temper tantrums, verbal, and physical abuse.  

Freedom from learned behavior is possible.  Each woman has a free will to change those things she dislikes and to work on improving those things she finds pleasant about herself.  It is important to stay pliable so the truth found in God’s Word can cause changes to come into effect.

Proverbs 11:16a  A kindhearted woman gains respect…

As young girls grow, they make quality decisions in their hearts not to be like mother. These decisions usually create negative results in future relationships, resulting in more personal problems.  

Example #1
A girl never sees her mother because mom is always working to make ends meet.  When mom does come home she is too tired to bother with family or house.  Older children are expected to watch the younger ones and to keep the house clean.

Resulting Resolution
“I will never work when I have kids.  I will stay home with them no matter what.  I will never make my kids do the house work.  I will do it all myself.”

The first two statements are very dangerous because they will stop a woman from seeking a career since a career would be over once the babies come.  She has created a “weight” for herself, if her family finds themselves in a financial bind, she will not get a job to help out, even if it is temporary work.

This individual tends to marry for security reasons rather than for love.  She will marry for money, settling for a second-rate relationship with her husband.  This results in a relationship which cannot be defined as a “marriage.”

A woman who believes she cannot work because she has children also believes she needs to be supported by a man.  If she is not supported by a man, because of death, divorce, or separation,  she then becomes a prime candidate for state aid programs.  The rationale for receiving state aid will be along the lines that they have no career, so any  job they would get would not pay enough for child care and living expenses.  It is easier to stay home and collect welfare.

“I will never make my kids do the house work.  I will do it all myself.”  As a result of this third resolution, the children will end up with dirty rooms.  Mom will get tired of picking up after them and will begin to ignore the room rather than train the child to keep it clean.

Scriptural Rebuttal:

Matthew 6:25-34 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knows that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Psalm 37:3-5 Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shall thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shall be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of your heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

Jeremiah 49:11 Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them alive; and let thy widows trust in me.

Example #2
A girl grows up around a cruel, suspicious, vicious, mother. This mother is always tearing at the daughter’s mind, emotions, and self esteem. Whether guilty or not, the girl is accused and presumed guilty of promiscuous actions.

Resulting Resolution
“I will never have children. It is not fair to bring a little child into this world just to suffer.”  

Scriptural Rebuttal:

Genesis 1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.

Deuteronomy 28:4 Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kind, and the flocks of thy sheep.

Psalm 127:3-5 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

Acts 2:39 For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call.

Example #3
A daughter suffers much abuse from parents particularly from mother. When disciplined, nothing is carried through. No one explains why a spanking is given, why her actions are wrong, and then, after punishment is administered, the child is made to feel like an outcast for several days. During this time she is called many names which reflect on her character.  When punishment is administered it is given in anger and is much harsher than necessary.

Resulting Resolution
“I will never spank my children.”

Daughter becomes a permissive parent with undisciplined children. Eventually the children realize that they have the upper hand and begin to rule over the household.

Scriptural Rebuttal

Proverbs 13:24 He that spares his rod hates his son: but he that loves him chastens him betimes.

Proverbs 19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. 

Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beats him with the rod, he shall not die.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame.

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The following scenarios of possible marriage relationships are not in line with God's Word and should be repented of and changed.  In most cases, counseling is necessary to help both parties break deep rooted habits and ideas. 

1. The man overpowers the wife, so she learns not to push him too far.  He takes advantage of this and becomes the dominant party.

2. The husband will not strong-arm the wife, always backing down in an argument.  Wife learns to take advantage of her position getting her way.

3. The wife throws temper tantrums, husband learns to give wife her way to avoid unnecessary violent scenes.  When he really insists on having the situation his way, tantrums are the result.

4. The husband is absent months out of the year due to enlistment in the armed services.  When he is home he is afraid to take his position even temporarily.  Wife learns to play both roles, after many years, husband never reenters his role.   The wife does not want to give him back his position. 

Do you identify with righteousness, 
or 
Do you identify with sin? 

Are you a saint? or are you a sinner?

Most people will answer, “I am a sinner because I sin.”  But Paul calls us saints, and Jesus calls us His body. Does His body have sin in it?  You cannot be a saint and a sinner.  You are one or you are the other, but you are not both.  The Bible classifies people in two categories, saints and sinners.  A saint lives to please God!  A sinner lives to sin!

A saint can sin, but that does not make him a sinner.  You can follow directions and sew a dress, but that does not make you a seamstress!

1 John 1:8-10  If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

1 John 2:1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not.

In some cases it first takes deliverance; the casting out of demons. Those demons may have been passed down through heredity or entered through one’s sin life. Repentance and deliverance can be a step in the right direction.

Understanding the following scriptures and living them will help to set us free from our past.

2 Corinthians 5:20-21 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.

Romans 6:6-7 Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. For he that is dead is freed from sin.

James 1:13-15 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempted he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it brings forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.

  Living righteously is spiritual life in communion with God.

  Living sinfully is spiritual death in separation from God!

Death is not the end of life.  Death is the gateway to the fullness of  life eternal or the fullness of punishment eternal.  Whichever way you spend eternity is totally up to you.

	Physical Death: The separation of spirit and soul from the physical body, causing the body to cease to function.
	Spiritual Death: The separation of man from God. What is the one thing that separates us from God? Sin!
	Eternal Death in Hell: The opposite of life Eternal; it never denotes non-existence.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

I lived 10 years without taking a drink of alcohol because I believed if I did take a drink I would again become addicted to alcohol.  It is commonly held that someone who has been addicted to alcohol can never drink again.  This was fine with me.  I did not miss drinking nor did I crave it.

We were out to dinner one evening with our pastor .   He asked Richard and me if we would like to share a bottle of wine with dinner.  I mumbled an excuse and owned up to being a recovered alcoholic.  He looked at me and smiled.  He asked me how long had it been since I had taken a drink.  I told him, then he asked me if I believed the bible.  Quite emphatically I responded “Yes!”  

He smiled again and asked me why I didn’t believe the part about being set free.  I could begin to see his point.  He very gently reminded me that having a glass of wine was not wrong or sinful.  The sin came into play if the alcohol had me.  Would I be in control of the wine, or would the wine be in control of me?   Realizing I would never become a stumbling drunk again, and that I had truly been set free from alcohol, I could have that glass of wine.

Becoming a new creature is a spiritual concept activated through the process of renewing our minds with the Word of God. Once our mind is renewed and we begin to think like the Word, then the new creature becomes a physical reality. This requires action on our part, but when the Word is applied to our lives we take a new direction and reflect God’s love through our lives. That is the plan anyway.  Success or failure depends on us and God’s grace on our lives.

Example:
When I was born again, I was immediately delivered from the desire to use drugs and alcohol.  However, nicotine was a different matter. I could not quit smoking. At the time it was very distressing to me. Now, looking back, I realize that quitting was merely a thought, not a desire. Down deep inside, I still enjoyed smoking. But as I renewed my mind with God’s Word, I realized that I was the temple of the Holy Spirit. One day I pictured the Holy Spirit smoking, it did not look right.

The Lord quickened that vision to me and showed me that each time I lit a cigarette, I was forcing the Holy Spirit to smoke.  As I read, the Word became alive.  My love for the Lord and my desire to please Him grew.  My desire to quit smoking grew stronger than my “need” to smoke.

I will mention I did need deliverance from a spirit of nicotine. The Lord graciously delivered me at a Women’s Aglow retreat. The guest speaker stopped what she was doing to announce that the Lord wanted to deliver several people from cigarettes, all they had to do was throw their cigarettes up on the stage.  Well, I slung my cigarette pack and lighter as hard and fast as I could onto the stage.  I have never lit another cigarette since nor have I had the desire for one.

I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I had not first prepared my heart in this matter, I would have been merely throwing my cigarettes up on stage.  I was spiritually, mentally and physically ready to be delivered.  Result, deliverance was instantaneous.  God is not in the business of taking from us.  He wants us to give freely, like He did His Son. 

Romans 6:11-23 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace. What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness. I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness. For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness. What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death. But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. 

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